Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
How did Dr. Frankenstein find where his monster was hiding?
He had a hunch
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.
The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the first time in 20 years. He is ecstatic and decides to treat himself to some new things. He decides the first thing he’s going to buy is a suit. So, he goes to the finest men’s store in town and tells the tailor he wants a new suit. The tailor says he can help and that he’s pretty good at measuring people just by looking at them. He tells the guy that he looks like he wears a 42 Regular suit. The man remarks that the tailor was exactly right, and the suit fits perfectly. The tailor asks him if he’d considered getting new shoes. The man hadn’t, but decides to treat himself. The tailor looks at the man’s feet for a second and comes back with an 11-wide shoe. Again, a perfect fit. Finally, the tailor asks the man if he’d like anything else, perhaps some socks or underwear. Being as the man recently had surgery, he decided to get some new underwear. The tailor looks at him and says that he will go get some 38 underwear. The man laughs and says, “Ah, I’ve finally stumped you. I wear 34 underwear.” The tailor looks at him and reply’s, “No you don’t, if you wore 34 underwear, it would hold your testicles too close to your body, pinch the nerves, and give you headaches.”
How to 69
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!", she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress", she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me". The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing"…
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars. Her: Do you win many races? Me: No, the cars are much faster.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
Hello everyone! I’m a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
Someone told me my clothes were gay
I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
A gay man goes to a church
And when the donation tin is makes it's way to the gay man, he leaves a $1000 in the tin. Once the tin makes it's way back to the pastor, the pastor is shocked! He yells, "Whoever left such a generous donation, please make yourself known!". The gay man stands up and says "I did". The pastor smiles at the man and says, "This church thanks you for such a gift! The congregation would love for you to choose 3 hymns". The gay man starts pointing around the church and saying "I will take him, and him and him!"
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said "It didn't work out." She told me to be more specific so I said "I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
I’ve asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.
I never get a straight answer.
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe?
Its called the Groaner virus
A voyeur goes to a restaurant…
The maitre d seats him at a table next to a table of four women, one particularly attractive. The waiter comes to his table and says “Welcome sir would you like to hear our specials?” “Uh, yes,” says the voyeur. “Today we our soup du jour is a white gazpacho with avacodo, chilled almonds, and olive oil. We have an appetizer special of artichokes casino tender artichoke hearts baked with jumbo lump crab meat. Lastly our entree specials are pan roasted moscovy duck breast with a rhubarb relish, vanilla balsamic vinegar reduction and roasted potatoes, and filet mignon au poivre, which pan seared with cracked peppercorns in a cognac cream served with roasted potatoes.” Distracted by the table next to him the voyeur responds “Yeah, I’ll have that.” “Which entree sir?” asks the nonplussed waiter The voyeur replies, “Umm…, the steak.” “How would you like your steak?” The voyeur is staring at the other table. The waiter gruffed “Sir?!” “Oh, uh, rare.” Waiter replies “It comes with salad, what dressing would you like?” spoken in a sort of stern tone.” Voyeur is staring at the other table again, startled by the waiter drops his silverware. Waiter: “Would you like Caesar dressing?” Voyeur awkwardly picking up his fork says and looks at the waiter confused. “See her dressing? Why yes that sounds lovely.”