Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
but on the other, it’s just not right.
Walking JK, Rolling
Let's all just stick to inside jokes for now.
When it's clearly a word!
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
Who brought home a goat in a bucket His wife said “is that dinner?” He said “No, I’m a sinner” And took it up stairs to fuck it.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision…
The Zookeeper said he was bread in captivity.
Ba dum tss
Igloo it back together again.
Debris was everywhere.
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons…
The doctors described his condition as stable.
They'd have to spell it different.
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
Its called the Groaner virus
But nobody will do it.
…that's Hawai'i roll…
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.