GG dude
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
I have peaked Dad Jokeness
[Just some context] Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment. When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer." I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice: “I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man. “You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!” The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. “What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got nothing to say?!” Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . “Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”
The problem with kleptomaniacs…
…is that they always take things literally…
A furniture store keeps calling me…
All I wanted was one night stand.
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
My wife told me I needed to grow up, I was speechless.
It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
I had a pet newt once, I called him Tiny
Because he was my newt
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
No text found
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.
I lost interest in that relationship
I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story.
I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.
I am reading a horror story in Braille
Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.” After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.” Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!” The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.
His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennssine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures. The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.
Anyway, now that she left me I can enjoy playing on my non-Euclidian pool table.
https://ift.tt/2pZnXOG
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Raw men
Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?
I'm asking for a friend.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.