Ghana Coffin Dancers made a video to thank the doctors and warn to “stay home or come and dance with us”
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
I started a company…
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
What do you call a ship captain with a big booty?
"Thicc" with seven C's.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
A newly wed couple are in bed together
A newly wed couple are in bed together. The wife reaches over to grab her husband. "Oh my God, it's so big" she said. The husband gave a pleased hum. "Are they all this big?" She asked. "More or less," he said. "It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed. "Yeah," he said nonplussed. "I want this so bad," she moaned. "I can see that," he replied amused. "Half the time the pockets on my pants are fake!" Note: this was an actual conversation I had with my wife
A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality…
The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘okay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says ‘father, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘There you have it son, that’s the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we’re sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we’re living with a couple of sluts’.
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
Saving a Christian
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed
Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed.
It may sound far-fetched but it’s true. I watched it all unfold.
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth
I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution.”
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop – and sure enough – there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door. "$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says. The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers. "$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend." He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end. A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here." The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign. "You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped
Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins
A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate