Ghostbusters guy looking weird
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible
I’m an eighth-theist
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?
He's fucking bananas.
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
She got sick of me.
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, “so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left”. The teacher interrupts, “you see children, the Fokker was a German plane”.
The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Three guys die…
and Saint Peter stops them at the Golden Gates. He tells them, "Depending how faithful you were to your wife, depends what kind of car you drive across the Golden Bridge to heaven." First guy says, "I was married 10 years and only cheated three times." Saint Peter says, "That's ok I suppose, here take this older model pick-up truck." Second guy says, "I was married 15 years and only cheated once!" Saint Peter says, "Pretty great, here take this sports car." Third guy says, "I was married 40 years and never cheated on my wife." Saint Peter says, "Wow that's the best I've ever heard! Here, take this Golden Edition Rolls-Royce." The three guys start across the bridge and the Rolls takes off and leaves them. About half way across, the other two guys find the Rolls pulled over with his head on the steering wheel. They stop and walk over. First guy says, "Come on man, being dead isn't so bad." Second guy says, "Yeah, look what you're driving, and look what we're driving." Third guy says, "No guys, you don't get it, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
Who called it breast transplants and not Boobles?
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[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
a dick’s life
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A man is walking home late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears: BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and… The coffin stops.
AveryTech Company
This is the most advanced and comfortable gaming desk on the planet. It even has power and usb outlets in the drawers and cabinets and the entire surface supports wireless fast charging. It uses our own patented one-of-a-kind power cable with-built in backup battery to deliver completely uninterupted charging and power. This amazing desk starts at just $199.Legs and power cable sold separately at two thousand dollars each.6 months later: Unfortunately we will be ending support for this desk.
A dad story. If you read till the end of this one, I promise you’ll hate it.
Have I ever told you about the time I nearly died in a plane crash? Well… One dark and stormy night, our cargo plane was loaded with supermarket goods. But we were in trouble! A freak storm had showed up, and our plane was struggling against the hurricane-force winds. After a terrifying hour of this, we lost navigational controls. The pilot had descended to 10,000 feet, and was attempting to search for a safe place to make an emergency landing. But the plane was no match for the fury of the storm. The aircraft was tossed to and fro and the wind threatened to crumple it like a ball of foil. Our fuel was now nearly gone, and the engines were sputtering. As far as we could tell, we were now over some large city. But that was no consolation to us, as we were hurtling to our certain deaths. The captain announced over the comms that everyone should prepare for the worst… The morale of the crewmembers had now drastically fallen. Some of us lay crying in a corner, others had passed out from sheer fear or dread, and still others screamed out desperate prayers in their despair. Everyone, even the captain, had lost hope. Everyone, that is, except for the cargo bay janitor, Steve. Steve just stood there amidst the chaos, rolling with the punches of the relentless wind. As I lay there with my crewmembers, Steve somehow remained standing, and not far off, seemingly without a care in the world. Suddenly, the wind tore a hole in the cargo bay, and four pallets of frozen meat exploded out of it, scattering over the city below. I looked on in horror, imagining the huge slabs of meat destroying rooftops, or smashing pets, children, and vehicles. Steve just watched it all with a smirk. I looked at him, and he, noticing my gaze, turned back with that same wry grin and said: . . . . . . . . . . . . "Now that's what I call a… . . Wait for it… . . . . . . meatier shower."
I was watching Jurassic park the other day,
when I thought, “Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he’s also a shit driver”.
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
I went to a gender reveal party the other day
It was great, but I can’t work out why I was the only naked person there.
What do you call a fear of giants?
Fe-Fi-Phobia
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself…
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable
A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
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I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.