Giant autographed book Stephen Colbert donated to an Idaho library after he found out somebody was hiding anti-Trump books.
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented
They just drank at home.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
Just found out why my toast kept getting burnt
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, āI want u so badly.ā
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she canāt get rid off.
So thereās a flyā¦and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, āis there a gnat on my back?ā The gnat says, āgnat at all.ā The fly says, āthatās the worst pun Iāve ever heard. ā The gnat goes, āwhat do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!ā
The wife is mad at me
My wife caught me peeing in the shower, and the people at Lowe's are still mad about it.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
I keep a record of how much toffee I eat.
Itās my Heath Ledger.
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
If you remember the OG Morbius DS, well introducing an even worst spin-off Madame Web on the Wii
If you remember the OG Morbius DS, well introducing an even worst spin-off Madame Web on the Wii
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them ā theyāre imaginary too…
President Trump said “No politician in history ā and I say this with great surety ā has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count *edit had 4 in post originally
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
I walked into a homeware store.
Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if heās an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.
āI donāt think I am.ā the horse replies. poof The horse disappears. This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as theyāre familiar with the philosophical proposition of āCogito Ergo Sumā, or āI think, therefore I amā. But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I donāt get why people hate necromancers so much.
Canāt a guy just raise a family in peace?
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
BC now stands for “Before Coronavirus”
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages
A Cowboy walks into a bar
Two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left. Who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of Yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellow's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly claims, FORD, because 'Quality is Job One.'' Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY….'Like A Rock!" and gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked,"Why Secret? That's a women's deodorant." The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new āLesbian Bedā from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. Itās all tongue and groove.
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store…
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, āSo, you finish?ā She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. āNo.ā Surprised, Guido reached for her and the fucking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, āYou finish?ā Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, āNo.ā Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, āYou finish?? Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his earā¦ āNo, I Norwegian.ā
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?”
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.