Gimbal lock casuals

The rotation of the earth

New mandates

You will be mist

Ow

"You have perfect eyesight."

It’s currently half empty…

Address

“Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”

For my black jeep…

A ratatatatat

Ian

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches

As I walked out the door, she screamed… "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!" "Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.

They are a big part of pop culture

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."

I was Gherkin off

my shower gets turned on.

Where's pop corn?

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

No text found

None they just beat the room for being black

He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…

The other 2/11 are quite good though!

And the result was staggering.

* sigh * unzips

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.

Yup, it’s right there in Hebrews.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

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The satisfactory.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks" The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added… "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."