Gimbal lock casuals
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.
I made a belt out of watches once,
It was a waist of time.
Somebody stole my microsoft office and they’re going to pay
You have my word
An 18-wheeler filled with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway today.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery
Hashtag nofilter
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
As a doctor I never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
I’m getting sick of them
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!" The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going. The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!" As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful." The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"
As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy
I’m galactose intolerant
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer…
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG