Gimmi my 7 karma for the bad meme i found
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.
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r/dadjokes on you!
What’s the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?
Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!
I just lost my mood ring
I canโt tell you how I feel about it
Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy?
Something inside me says yes.
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.
"We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh, God you have my husband!"
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Many people think the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was an apple or fig, but many scholars now think it was, surprisingly, a mango.
For God said to Adam on that infamous day: "Now that you have partaken of the fruit, Man, GO!"
A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex…
A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make. "I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I hope this isn't a deal-breaker." "Oh thank God!" the groom exclaims. "I have a secret too…my penis is the size of a newborn." The couple is so happy they've aired their most embarrassing information and relieved the other is okay with it. The wedding day comes and goes and the husband and wife start to undress in front of each other for the first time. The bride takes off her dress, unfastens her bra, and as she said her chest looked like a wall with nipples, no boobs at all. Then the groom takes off his suit, drops his underwear, and reveals a monstrously large penis. So large it is almost grotesque. "I thought you said that was going to be as small as a newborn?" she asked. He answers, "well it is, it's 19 inches long and weighs 8 lbs…are you ready?"
My Science Teacher donโt know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
Australians are geniuses.
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but Iโm not impressed.
Iโve had a Canon printer for years.
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, โhey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?โ while reaching for your zipper.
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
Man walks into a barber shop: โCan you shape my afro like a sphere?โ
Sorry, we donโt do that round hair.
Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shellโฆ
I have a son whoโs on the spectrum. Itโs quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant heโd get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. Heโd always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesnโt want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, heโd sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours. This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15thย birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed. Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something Iโve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell โ I donโt want to get too into the gross details but Iโm a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and donโt clean it. Iโm sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it. Iโm not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god youโd think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help. So itโs been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her itโs been incredibly promising so far. Heโs really starting to come out of his shell.
2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.
The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!" The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.
The secret service isnโt allowed to yell โGet down!โ anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, โDonald, duck!โ
I have the opposite of an amputee fetish.
I am lack toes intolerant.
I was so thankful to come across a man selling his junk in the middle of the desert.
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
My mom used to feed me by saying: โHere comes the train!โ I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldnโt untie me from the tracks.
Alastor said what..?
Alastor said what..?
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads โBeware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?โ
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What did I say when greeting the fashion designer?
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
Our baby boy was actually born on the way to the hospital.
His name is Carson.
My girlfriend shouted at me, โARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!โ
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
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