Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome…
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents
edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
When life gives you melons
You may be dyslexic
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.
It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention. He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit her. The father finds it reasonable and tells the sister not to tell people about it as it is embarrassing the brother. The next day she goes to school and the teacher notices the black eye. The teacher goes up to girl and asks if she is alright. The girl responds that she is fine. The teacher then asks how she got such a nasty black eye. The sister responds, “My father told me not to say.”
The GOP is apparently ok with extremely late term abortions if the stock market is suffering
https://ift.tt/2KdS7EF
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
It’s tricky knowing when to take the tea bag out.
There's a steep learning curve.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
Breathe idiot, breathe!
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
A washed up actor hasn’t gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'" When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger. The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?" The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
I got yakuza and jacuzzi mixed up
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia
How do you find a velociraptor?
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?
Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn't want to get shot.
What did they call the race car driver who won with a hen strapped to the hood of his car?
Number One with a Pullet.
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.