Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over
Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Can’t hear a vitamin
Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.
One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?" The other lady looked at her for a long time, and asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
I mean how low can you go!?
They use their Endor voices.
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
He wanted to keep things brief.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Should have put the oven on aloha setting!
… until you get it.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
With a sea-saw.
People were lined up for blocks
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
Because they're really good at it.
In my dad•a•base
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
A woman goes to buy a parrot, the prices are $200, $100 and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheep.
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
So much so that it can rub some people the wrong way. He invited my wife and I out for a vacation to his lake house. At one point he had us walk down to the lake so we could see his latest purchase. As he gloated about his new watercraft, my wife whispered to me, “He’s getting on my nerves.” I replied, “Don’t mind him; he’s just show boating.”
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
A can't opener.
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
It was a little condescending
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth
There was nothing left but de Brie
Terrible joke, only 3 stars
Me: Technically I can’t.
I suppose I should have asked why
I yelled, "Good guess!"
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.