Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Jose, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that? " she demanded. Jose put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836. At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Jose answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Jose jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Jose whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Jose, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that? Jose: "Dick Cheney, 2006 "
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
I just saw a guy selling beef from the top of a ladder…
The steaks couldn't be higher.
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House…
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes: Mexican contractor: 3 million Italian Contractor: 7 million Israeli Contractor: 10 million After a while Trump asked the Mexican – Why did you ask for 3 million. The Mexican said:-One million in paint, one million in labor and one million profit. He asked the Italian why he was asking 7 million. Italian replied:-3 million in high quality painting, 2 million in specialized workforce and 2 million gain. He asked the Israeli why he was asking 10 million. The Israeli responded: Don Trump my friend – 4 million for you, 3 million for me, And with the 3 million leftovers we pay the Mexican to paint!!!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
how it feels trying to learn a language
how it feels trying to learn a language
How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
A monk joins a monastery…
…and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words Monk: “bed hard” Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes” Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father Monk: “food bad” Father: “okay, I’ll made some changes” After a third decade, the monk sees the father again Monk: “I quit” Father: “good, because all you’ve done is bitch since you got here”
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?
A meander-thal.
What are a spy’s favorite shoes?
Sneakers
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
What kind of bees produce milk ?
Boo bees
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
No text found
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
Please remember to vote today
and remember to call a doctor if your election lasts more than 4 hours.
