Girls vs. Boys
A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot slapped him. "Okay, okay! We watched porn!" said the boy. "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" said the father. The robot slapped him. The mother laughed "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped her.
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have contacts.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2. But the real question is, how did they get in there?
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
I finally found out what causes random out of place boners
Subliminal thots
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.
Why did the ram go over the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I’m looking for a turn-off.”
I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”
My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison…
He's never going to finish his sentence.
Why shouldn’t blind people sky dive??
It scares the dog.
What kind of bees makes milk?
Boo-bees
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope you’re happy now.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
Why isn’t PI fun at parties?
He just goes on forever
What kind of drugs do ducks take?
quack cocaine
I asked the guy in the store where is the terminator dvd …
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”
I’m so pissed off I didn’t think of that quote first.
I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?
I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”
– I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? – Eleven.