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Politicians are like sperm
Only one in a million turn out to be a human being. Edit: I got my first silver. Thank you people <3
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
Republicans be like “It’s my AMERICAN RIGHT to be able to choose to pay for insurance!”
https://ift.tt/2N9DSmt
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.
People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.
He didn't listen though.
What’s the difference between a scientist and plumber?
The way they pronounce unionized
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
