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Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
He tells the bartender one beer please and one for the road
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
Why don’t mitochondria have girlfriends?
Because they're incells.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
What’s E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
Saw a great movie last night about databases.
Can't wait for the SQL.
A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck
They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied. The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat. The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. Anything.” The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities. “Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
Best knock knock joke ever..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Now that people are isolated and bored they make a lot more dad jokes
It's a true pundemic