github stars, gotta catch ’em all
A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest…
…when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. They run until the get to an open field and come across a deer doing lines of coke. So the rabbit again says, "Deer my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel sooooooo good!" The deer looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and skunk. The three animals then come across a bear, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up. "Bear my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel more alive then ever!" The bear looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls and eats the little rabbit friend. The skunk and deer watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Bear, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The bear answers, "That little assclown! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells…
Does that make them shotgun snails?
A police man pulled over a miner.
Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you going and what do you do. Miner: mine
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony…
…of my ribbon-repair business yesterday…
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an elephant.
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
The US Space Force uniform camouflage vs the Netflix Space Force Series uniform camouflage
https://ift.tt/2Tyb0br
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it."
As much as you might move around an envelope
It'll always be stationery.
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
Congratulations are in order
aacgilnnoorsttu
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
If number 666 is evil,
then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
The Pen..
Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” Mike asks, “How do you know?” Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”.
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
I like the sound of “fiancé”
It has a ring to it.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
Why did the jalapeño ask for the window to be closed?
He was a little chilly.
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake…
… until the doctor told me to take the candles off first! Happy cake day to meeeeee!
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?
Because he never had to run for his office
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
