Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
My wife’s dog died. Soto cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. …
She was furious. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?” she said.
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I come from a long line of wood winds, so I was shocked when my daughter said she wanted to be a percussionist
But thinking back, when I checked her instrument case, the cymbals were always there.
A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads “If you lift this 21″ laptop with your dick, it’s yours!”
… The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him. A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works. Fed up and in tears, she goes to the husband and asks, why are you no longer making love to me!? He replies: Honey, I've been training for the washing machine!
I finally watched Doctor Who
It was about time.
![You need a crown [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/staw3yuj30k41-400x400.jpg)
My Dad made the best (or worst) Dad joke at our Christmas Dinner
Cousin: I really want a dog this year. Wife: What kind do you want? Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle. My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around. Everyone else : 🙄
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
![The “[blank] 100” meme is probably the worst format that still exists](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/kkntcgec5gq21-400x474.jpg)
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter
The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it. He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her. When he returned, he called the 3 knights in. He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed. He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place! The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!" The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"
Dad I’m cold
Go to the corner. It’s 90degrees
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
It’s tricky knowing when to take the tea bag out.
There's a steep learning curve.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?
https://ift.tt/2VfhPh8
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
