So I grabbed my things and right.
they'd eventually find me attractive.
I have only my shelf to blame
He gets hammered.
She talks about him religiously.
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
To fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare
My wife hit the roof
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
It's still syncing
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
Finally, something he's earned
It's almost up to 5 TB.
One evening while the women are in their own rooms, the men drinking at the pub below their lodge, Rob: I bet a 100 dollars I can fuck way more than you ever could in a night. Dan: I don’t think so! I would like to compare numbers tomorrow morning at breakfast! Rob: you know how the ladies get talking about this sorta stuff… Dan: I’ll tell you what, mark the count on the outside of your door and I’ll do the same, no one else has to know… They go back up. Rob has sex 3 times, marks his door with lll and goes to bed. Dan comes around at 4 in the morning, barely able to walk, and looks at Rob’s door, and swears “Rob you son of a bitch! I wish my wife didn’t pass out, I was 6 away from your 111 !!”
Because he’s got little legs.
Under the g(o)rill(a).
The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
My wife caught me peeing in the shower, and the people at Lowe's are still mad about it.
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
Ate a glock in the morning.
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
My family and friends all laughed when I told them that one day, I would discover the secrets of invisibility…
If only they could see me now…
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
My next shit could spell disaster.
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.