Give Neutron Stars more love
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber…
Now, it won't crash, it'll just go, "Boeing Boeing Boeing!"
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth
I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
https://ift.tt/3b882iR
Every psychic I visit is either really angry or really sad.
I’d like to find a happy medium.
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
NSFW: There’s a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.
Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunch break bell rings, Joe is really starving, completely forgets about Bruce and jumps back on the main scaffold without Joe as a counterweight, Bruce falls to his death on the street below. A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are together eating in a restaurant. Suddenly the Frenchman sits up and says "Frenchmen love women the most!" Of course the Italian disagrees "No, Italian men love women the most. Why just the other day I took my girlfriend out to the best restaurant, then I took her to a sold-out show and then we went to the best hotel in town. Where we made love all night long. I'd been working overtime and planning this for over a year". The Frenchman says "That's nothing, I took my girl to the most exclusive bar in town, where we drunk the best Champagne. I then took her for a carriage ride along the Montmartre and then to the finest restaurant in Paris, where we ate oysters and foie gras, salmon and beluga caviar. I then took her to the finest hotel in Paris and we made love for two days and two nights". The Australian then pipes up "Nah, you guys aren't even close. Australian men are the most crazy about women." At this, both the Frenchmen and the Italian both wear wry and sarcastic expressions. Before they can say anything, he holds up his hand, and the Australian says "Just hear me out, a year ago this drop dead gorgeous brunnette is walking down the street in a really skimpy outfit, mini skirt and all. The next thing that me and my friends see, is this builder jumps off the top of this tall building, with his cock in his hand and he's screaming out:" "Cuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt!"
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Time for conservatives to utilize their right to bear arms and liberate some prisoners
https://ift.tt/2r3gqiI
Give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day…
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
M’laria!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"