Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this whenever I type std
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?
My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal. Me: My truck.
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
No text found
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
I spent a few hours by my wife’s grave today
She thinks I'm digging a pond
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A centipede!
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I’ve won, but at what cost?
You know, cardi b looks alright
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…
I've named him Alen.
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones..
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
Some races are inferior and should be eliminated
No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?”
PRODUCER: You mean a choir? “Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
It’s a great time to be an ER doctor.
Business is really surgeon.
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.
I’ve got a hen who can count her own eggs…
She’s a mathamachicken…
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
