Glad you enjoyed the accurate portrayal
Why is it so dark in the Apple factory?
They have no windows.
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
These scare me most about the future when it’s a younger millennial sharing this drivel.
https://ift.tt/34p9pX8
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
‘At a restaurant with food still on my plate’ Server: “You wanna box for that?”
Me: 'It's not worth fighting over'
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
cries in toshiba hdd
Hey babe are you a mechanical hard drive because you have an average response time of 2 years.
The only thing that flat earthers have to fear…
is sphere itself
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I’d parked my car correctly…
It said "Parking Fine"
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti
So I put in a re-straining order.
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
I found r/atheism the other day
Still can't believe it
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive? Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
The next Minecraft movie will be a blockbuster
No text found
I never know what to do during long flights…
… they're just so Boeing
