Glad you enjoyed the accurate portrayal
Nvidia RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Robert De Niro)
https://youtu.be/L9TXOp4TBOg
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
https://ift.tt/2VxmLxC
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
What is it called when two redheads have a baby?
Ginger-bred!
I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.
He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready. He timidly asked her….so what happened last night when I got home? Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore….I'm married, than you passed out.
What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
“I’m pumped”.
Your momma’s so fat
Thanos had to clap
I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought
“I can't turn that down.”
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”
That spoke volumes.
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs. “Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?” The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?” The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs: “Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?” The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says: “A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”
Why couldn‘t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
An Irish man walks into the pub
The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?” The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.” The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.” The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.” The man said: “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…