Global News with the cheesy headline
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head! But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso popped out! The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms popped out! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair. By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over. The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park…
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
20 minutes into Disney+ and chill…
and I've already got a friend in me.
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.
Then I was born.
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
Why can’t you see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
Just lost my job as a zookeeper
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
One plant says to the other, hey, are you hungry?
Well, I could use a light snack.
What did the coat say to the hanger
We should hang out sometime.
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
I asked Siri why I was still single
She turned on the front camera
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
