Go into the light, Kellyanne!!!
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
A farmer has triplets, and they’re getting ready for prom night
. The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him. The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe. The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.
My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid…
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
A bigot, a liar, and a rapist walk into a bar
The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
In my opinion, people should wear different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building
That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud. So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man: "Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?" So Mike does. That night the young couple begins. After a while Mike calls out "This ok John?" "Yuuup! Fine!" After a while he calls again "This alright Johnny?" "Fiine, fine!" And a third time "This alright, pal?" "Mike! Take the ducktape off!" "What? Why?!" "The entire building thinks you're fucking me!!!"
A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality…
The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘okay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says ‘father, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘There you have it son, that’s the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we’re sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we’re living with a couple of sluts’.
How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizziscian
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
The other night, I asked my dad how far away are we from dinner?
My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven. "…. about 12 feet." 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 bro is basically a certified dad now
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
There was nothing left but de Brie
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes
You knock on the door.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope you’re happy now.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers