God Bless my Family
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
Because their P is silent
…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities) She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says, "Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here." "What do you mean?" she answers confused. "Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews' "Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish." "Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?" "Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation. "Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks. "In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger." "Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"
And turning into a driveway.
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed. It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. Unfortunately, it takes him a while to gather the medicines he thinks he might need and the checkout line is longer than normal. He buys some cold medicine, some pain killers and some cough drops for the next day. When he is finally done, he heads home. It is now quite dark and a chill has set in so he is not in the best of spirits. When he makes it back to the graveyard, a cloud passes in front of the moon. Luckily he knows the graveyard well and can navigate it without a problem. It's quiet and he hears a noise behind him. thump thump thump He looks around but can't see anything in the dark. He quickens his pace. He hears the sound again, but louder. THUMP THUMP THUMP He is genuinely frightened now and starts to run. The sound grows louder still. THUMP THUMP THUMP As he's running, he glances back and the moon emerges from behind the clouds. To his horror, he sees a coffin, standing on end, bounding towards him. THUMP THUMP THUMP He breaks into a sprint and slams the gate to his yard shut as he passes by. The coffin breaks through the gate, unhindered. THUMP THUMP THUMP He slams the door to his house and frantically locks it. The coffin breaks down the door. THUMP THUMP THUMP He scrambles to the end of the room and knocks a table over to block it's path. The coffin breaks through the table. THUMP THUMP THUMP He cowers against the wall, sure that his fate is sealed. In a last ditch effort, he tosses the cough drops at it. And the coffin stops.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
You dont know how it works for the first time, It can be painful and time consuming, But if done correctly you start enjoying it later. AND ITS NOT FOR EVERYONE.
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
I can't wait to tell myself all about it.
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
And not joint custody
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
Great food, NO ATMOSPHERE
Something inside me says yes
He said he wouldn’t do it. Cause it would take a cent-ury.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
"Well, I've only got my shelf to blame"
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
He still has the right to remain silent.
She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East. Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple. "There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed. The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
No text found
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
It was a play on words.
Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. “I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits” he says….
…."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband." The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!" Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now – what do you want? "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup." The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says. "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries! The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness…"