God fucking dammit
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school…
"How was you English test today?" She asked "It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question" "What did it ask?" The mother replied "It asked for the past tense of think" "What did you answer it as?" The mother says. "I couldn't really figure it out. I thought and thought and thought and thought, and I finally wrote thunk"
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But no, it only made him more sluggish.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Dad Jokes – Try not to LAUGH
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My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
There is a new restaurant named Karma
It does not have a menu Because you get what you deserve
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
What do you call a mermaid that hosts a radio show?
A podcaster.
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
Why does 10 have PTSD
Because he was in the middle of 9 11
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
Which US president was least guilty?
Lincoln. Cause he was in a cent.
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
What do you do if you break your leg in two places?
Never, EVER go back to those two places.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Finally the answer for why people are panic buying toilet paper
Every time on person sneezes, 10 people around them shit themselves.
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied…"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"….. “it was then that I…. lost it”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was ..
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.