God I hate the Skyrim 100 memes
Three drunk guys walk into a brothel…
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”
A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.
So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl? EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicament, if I can not spin this straw into gold I shall be hanged tomorrow morning. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles I can help you, but at the cost of part of your name. I will spin the straw to gold, but if I do, I will take a letter from your name; unless, of course, you can guess mine. Edith graciously accepts and watches as Rumpelstiltskin spins all the straw in the room into gold, saving her life. Finally, Rumpelstiltskin gives her one last chance to save her name by guessing his name. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So young girl, what is my name? EDITH: Alas, I know not. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles Then your name is mine! Edith accepts her punishment and is still grateful for the help. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
Yes.
Is time travel possible?
I’m flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.
Everyone keeps raving about their new deli…
My wife is really annoyed at my sense of direction.
So i packed up my things and right
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
A guy has been accused in our town for murdering people by hitting them with a cement bag.
However the police still don't have any concrete evidence against him.
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal…
…until the pressure got to him.
A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.
As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier – he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result. One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a beautiful girl. He pulls her from the wreck, gives her food and water, and dresses her wounds. Very grateful, she steps up close and whispers in his ear "I will do anything for you for saving my life, anything. Just name it". "For the love of god, can you hold this camel still"
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. “Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.” The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. “Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.” The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. “Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.” The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. “Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!” The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
When two people have sex it’s called a two-some, when three people have sex it’s a threesome
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
A dwarf walks into a
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. The madam asks how she can help him. He says "I need a woman for mine has left me." The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass. The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf "I used to be 6 foot 3!"
A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.
Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times. Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. The woman gets well soon and gives birth to three healthy triplets, two girls and one boy. The incident at the bank gets forgotten over the time. Fourteen years later, one of the daughters comes to her mother, obviously upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." One week later, the second daughter runs to her mother, upset: "Mommy, mommy!" M: "What's the matter, sweetie?" D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. " M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again." Another week later, the son comes to his mother, also upset: "Mommy, mommy!' M: "What's the matter, sweetie? No, wait, let me guess. You had to pee and found a bullet in the bowl?" S: "No, but I was jerking off and shot the cat!"
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
The person who invented the wheel to make life easier is so lazy
All he did was cut corners
My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.
I think it's just a stage he's going through.
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I never shower before church.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still can’t say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
Oh you millenials with your newfangled talk about this “curbside pickup” concept you “invented” because of Covid…
Well I tell ya, we garbage-men have been doing curbside pickup ever since the 30's. . . . And we didn't need any of your formal training for it neither, we just picked it up as we went along. . . . And get off my lawn!
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way.