God it’s so bad on insta
If cold tea is called iced tea, and cold coffee is called iced coffee, what do you call cold ink?
… well then take a shower.
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
Someone called me average today.
That's mean.
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?
A Plagueround
The Logical Redneck
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.
The doctors described his condition as stable.
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money." The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom. He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!" The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
The minus button is missing from my calculator.
I guess it won't make any difference.
What do you call a ship captain with a big booty?
"Thicc" with seven C's.
Why teddy bears don’t go to the gym?
They don't wanna get ripped
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent
They’re waiting for their turn
a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school
he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted” he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive” he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved” he went back to school, where he coincidentally was tasked to perform a bake sale. his teacher walked by and he chanced upon this opportunity to tell his teacher the three quotes, the teacher bought a cupcake and the boy said, “a fool and his money are soon parted” in rage, the teacher got angry and said, “i want to send you to the principals office” he then replied, “ask and you shall receive” at the principals office, he was told by him that he will be punished if he does not stop such behaviour, the boy finally replied, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is tested” much to everyone’s surprise the spanish inquisition arrived
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.
I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron". I looked around and didn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So I put my other club away, and grabbed a 9-iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked! So I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "Ribbit. 3-wood," the frog replied. I took out my 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. It was incredible. By the end of the day, I had golfed the best game of golf in my life. So I asked the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." We went to Las Vegas, went to Caesar's Palace and the frog said, "Ribbit. Roulette." When I got to the roulette table, the frog said, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this was a million-to-one shot to win, but by this point I trusted the frog completely. I put it all on black 6 and, amazingly, won! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table. Suddenly I was a high roller. They put me up in the best room in the hotel. I looked at the frog down and said, "Frog, you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful. I don't know how to repay you!" The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." So I thought, "Why not? After all the frog did for me, it is a small price to pay." With the kiss, however, the frog turned into a gorgeous 17 year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
A lot of puns
I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.
What do you call an evil circle standing up?
A bad circumstance.
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"