God spoke to me the other day, but their voice didn’t feel like a spoken language
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
Where are average things made?
In a satisfactory.
Is it true ? I think it’s the temp of the surface of the sun ? What do you think?
https://ift.tt/2LuHVby
what do you call 2 transgender midgets who are having sex?
a micro transaction
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas…
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.
The fifth one was dead sirius.
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.