God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women
God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m…"
Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"
God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess you are stuck with the multiple orgasms then."
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
We couldn't afford a dog.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
But they’ll get over it
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
She's a keeper…
Wanna go ride bikes?
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
They’re hill areas.
This week? Just about anything.
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I'd have to change my name
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
None, he fell off.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
Because Putin is not a woman.
From a well, actually
His Law Suit.
Just stop giving a shit
And stayed there my entire childhood
But now I stand corrected
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”