God the engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is.
The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move"
The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer."
The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Why doesn’t Karl Marx like Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
I know a good eye doctor when I see one.
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My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake….
There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. EDIT: holy crap this is my most upvoted post. Thank you all!
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Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
Me being tempted by all the languages I tell myself I could learn while under quarantine.
https://ift.tt/2xLOKlw
Can a ninja hit a fly with a ninja star?
Shuriken.
Golf Joke…What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?
The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
At last I found some concrete IT support
https://i.imgur.com/xKsNWyA.png
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.” REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! 😀
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?
Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
Why are ghost so bad at lying?
You can see right through 'em.