God, they are invading us: we need LAW & ORDER!!!
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Because he was in the living room.
Amazing… she managed to point out her and her father’s amazing ineptitude in one fell swoop.
https://ift.tt/2MvvFYh
Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
My friend asked if i had heard of Pavlov
But it didnt ring a bell
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
I asked a pretty young homeless lady if I could take her home.
She said Yes, but didn't look pleased when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole
Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis
A child asked his father “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
Never challenge death to a pillow fight
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling." Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting." Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on." All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob. Her Majesty: "Now what's this?" Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."
Did you hear why the elevator repair guy was always so happy?
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
My boss the cannibal told me that eating people was company policy…
I found it a little hard to swallow.
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
Whats the difference between an envelope and a window?
Nobody looks at you funny when you lick an envelope
What did the grape say after it got stood on?
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
I made the mistake of drinking the liquid from a scientist’s test tube.
It was a vial substance.
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Earlier today, a man was seen robbing a prosthetic limb factory.
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.