God this hurts
She is truely Beyond Meat.
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
"Cock, a doodle do."
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
A good buoy.
I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out
A four-chin teller.
I : handjob definitely . She(surprised) : why is that? I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
I asked what the hell are you doing? He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Too much paperwork.
"Five beers please."
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I guess it won't make any difference.
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
Somewhere in the high c's.
I went to see a fortune teller last night. She looked at me and said, “In five years time you will have 3 children.”
"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, cancer is a bastard."
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-Smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
He threw in the towels.
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
Zero fucks were given.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!