god why
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
The American healthcare system is as perfect as Trump’s call with the Ukrainian President
https://ift.tt/2Cdw3Go
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
Eating a clock is very time consuming
No text found
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.
![Shuri has an amazing sense of humor [Movie Details]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/c7hna7okboz11-400x521.jpg)
Star gazing isn’t very fun
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink. After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone. “Pssst… that color looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?” The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin
It's what he would have wanted…
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
Local zoo stopped giving tests
Too many Cheetahs
Son: Dad, did you know that 1 out of 5 children in the world still face hunger?
Dad: Why isn’t anybody turning the 5th kid around?
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
2 fish in a tank. One says to the other,
How do you drive this thing
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
Where do dead cows get buried?
Cattlecombs
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
Sorry next generation, previous generation told current generation it was okay..
https://ift.tt/31VbTvZ
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning
Starting with the moment she walked through those doors.