Goddammit Karen!
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
I have an EpiPen…
My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Internet Memes and Mental Health – A Study [16+]
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.
Her: How expensive? Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000. Her: You could buy a car for that! Me: That's a bit excessive — I don't think it needs its own car.
My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
My doctor told me I was going deaf 2 years ago
Haven't heard from him yet
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library,it's got the most stories
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?” The Marine replied, “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. When’s the last time you’ve had sex?” The Marine replied, “1955 ma’am.” The young lady said, “That’s why you’re so serious. C’mon, I’ll make sure you lighten up.” She takes him to a private room and fucks his brains out. As she’s panting, she says, “You sure didn’t forget anything since 1955.” The Marine looks at his watch and says, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now."
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
Two antennas fall in love and get married on a roof
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?
One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.