Goddammit Karen!
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
That’s Swede of you
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “no, but I know where I am”. The cop replies “well you were going 70 in a 35 zone” and Heisenberg says “great! Now I’m lost!” Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says “hey, you know there’s a dead cat back there?” and Schrödinger replies “great! You’ve ruined the whole thing!”. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with Schrödinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
An escort goes to the hospital
She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous. She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?” The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?” She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.” “I see… and how old are you now?” He Enquired. “Thirty four – but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously. “Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant…
A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant. The waiter approaches him with the menu and the arrogant man exclaims: "You are giving ME a menu?! Please man, I know it all, just bring me a fork from the kitchen." The waiter quickly goes into the kitchen and comes back with a fork, handing it to the man. The man smells the fork and says: "WOW, you have prepared a nice Crispy Panko Shrimp Salad with Walnuts tonight! I'll take that". After eating the salad the waiter approaches him again, asking what he would like for his main dish. The man arrogantly responds: "Just bring me a knife from the kitchen". The waiter goes in and fetches a knife, hands it to the man who smells it and says: "Wow, I can smell you have prepared a nice Skillet Chicken Bulgogi with Mushrooms, bring that to me". The waiter's patience is wearing thin, but without complaints he brings the man his food. Finally, for desert, the same thing happens again and the arrogant man tells the waiter to go fetch him a spoon from the kitchen. The waiter has really had it by now, and he really can't stand the man's arrogance anymore, so he goes inside the kitchen, grabs a spoon and tells one of the waitresses to rub her crotch with it. The waiter goes out the kitchen and walks up to the man's table, handing him the spoon. The man smells it, waits a second, smells it again and finally exclaims: "Hey! I had no idea Susan worked here!"
A haiku about corona virus
I am so bored I have too much toilet paper I need a ventilator
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”
He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
What did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light?
Don’t look while I’m changing!
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
TIL that before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids…
Just got back home and they are still here…
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it
Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.
We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.
6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes
He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
What’s funnier than the plague?
This week? Just about anything.
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
“Dad, I want to be a history major!”
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
Narnia was a really progressive film
Most of the main characters came out of the closet
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.
I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
I seen this while scrolling through Facebook and i think the big noses qualify enough.
https://ift.tt/2WVozS1
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient but not funny.
My doctor told me I could get a trophy from being on crutches
but all I got were smaller, weaker leg muscles.
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.