Goddamn it
Trump’s parents are in trouble
They made a racist joke.
This STEM discord server has enough energy to emit light In the visual spectrum 🔥
https://ift.tt/37QiCtg
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
Weinstein didn’t kill himself
Sorry just practicing
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, “Watch this, brah!” hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.
"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot. "Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot. The plane just goes straight for a while. "How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot. The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?" The cargo pilot replies, "I went to the galley and got myself some more coffee."
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
P. It's like R, but missing a leg.
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
I don’t understand the opposition to same sex marriage.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
What do you call an iron made circular amusement ride?
A ferrous wheel.
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
No text found
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
How do the earth’s tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad. Wife: No you're not.