Goddamnit 😭
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park….
Now I'm feeling a little down.
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
I know the whole truth.
At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I’d choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
Alabama has decided to force women to carry babies conceived by rape and incest, to term.
Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in‘unt?” Only one word leaps to his mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is aunt." “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
Teacher : Tell me a sentence that starts with an “I”.
Student : I is the … Teacher : Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student : OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"
Politeness is key
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man. She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born. So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you." She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby! The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came! Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body. They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other: "You go first!" "No, you go first!"
My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.
But I laugh more.
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office
“Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”
One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, “it’s going to rain”
His wife asked, "how do you know?“ "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”