Getting her husband's voice juuust right
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, “My hands are freezing cold!” The mother replied, “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.”
The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"
The slow swimmer
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Then I realised she can't even.
I thought I would Treat myself.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
Now he is a hopster
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth.." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
But hay, it's in my jeans.
I was Gherkin off
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
Tell him to let your people go.
Slaves are given food and housing.
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"
I said maybe.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Because he was 2².
That's how I contracted it.
He was sick of me horsing around
It was a third degree burn.