Godspeed young warrior…
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
I think Helium hates my jokes.
He doesn’t react to any of them.
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
I’ve been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camoflauge jacket..
You can hide, but you cant run
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college…
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
Why did the duck get arrested?
Because he was on quack
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
A dwarf walks into a bar, he’s very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
When you develop a browser extension that is not scalable enough to handle 1,400 tabs!
https://ift.tt/33SC4VL
We all know where the big apple is
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs…
I pleaded, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
I made a club about erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, nobody came.
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure…
I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody…
My teeth need to be fixed.
They keep moving around.
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
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There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."