Going to a Jidenna concert tonight, my partner can’t join.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. โIt's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers havenโt been affected tho."
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
Did you hear about the guy who got caught pirating Captain Marvel?
He got charged with Brie Larceny
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am
I'm really not a mourning person.
I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.
He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.
An advice was given to a depressed car
It was: you have no more energy to live, you just need to fuel more yourself.
Professor told dirty jokes in class
Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the protest. In the next lecture,in the beginning of the lecture he said : "in Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them : "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the afternoon. "
A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday
This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny". The boy is super excited and rides it over to his girlfriends house to have dinner with her parents for the first time as a celebration for his birthday. Before they walk in the house, the girlfriend says to him, "Just so you know, my family plays this game where we don't speak during dinner, and if anyone speaks, they have to do the dishes." The boy thinks its a weird game but doesn't put too much thought into it. They walk in the house and as they go to the dining room he sees a massive pile of dirty dishes stacked up in the sink. It looked as if no one had done them in weeks! So they sit down with her parents, and the boy decides he wants to see how much he can mess with them. The boy stands up, walks up to his girlfriend, rips off her pants, and starts banging her in front of her parents. The mother and father both look shocked and the girlfriend looks furious, but no one says a word. So next the boy goes up to his girlfriend's mother, rips her clothes off, and starts banging her! At this point there are fumes coming out of the dad's ears and the girlfriend starts to throw up, but none of them say a word. The boy realizes that his plan didn't break any of them and starts walking back to his chair to eat. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices that it is beginning to rain outside. So he stops walking to his chair, and pulls out the jar of vaseline from his jacket, and the dad jumps up from his seat and yells "FINE, ILL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!"
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make things interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
My wife got really mad at me because I donโt have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
If I was an injured cat,
Me: Ow.
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
I have some old dead batteries if anybody wants them.
They are free of charge.
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, โDeath to America!โ
I think I might have terror wrists.
As soon as space travel is possible, Iโm moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy
Iโm galactose intolerant
Boomer uncle posts this on Facebook nice break from his usual Michelle is a man posts
https://ift.tt/2Eou8zy
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
“Anything these days,” I told my son.
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.