Goku schooling his opponent with Newton’s 2nd law
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
I bought some bug spray.
Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
A horse walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am.” And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “ I think therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable
It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore…
I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna” I don’t even know where that is!
Ultrasonic mist maker cured my asthma too. Rife, Lakhovsky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3h9SE8KeYo&t=727s
Actually the cat is both 50% in the bad and 50% not in the bag until we open it
https://ift.tt/2HlJjLn
Why did the ‘A’ go into the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
He had a vowel movement.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
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Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
Why do Americans go fishing with guns?
Because a group of fish is called a school.