Golf good, wife bad
I called my boss this morning.
"I won't be coming today," I said. "My legs aren't working properly." "What kind of excuse is that?" He asked. I replied, "A lame excuse."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
A Spanish magician told everyone he would disappear.
He said "uno, dos…" and then disappeared without a tres.
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
I took a test to check whether or not I have kleptomania.
It wasn’t my test, but I took it anyway.
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
I was gonna try out archery
But theres too many drawbacks
A pretty girl kissed me today
I wish I could post this in another subreddit.
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?' The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!” 'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' 'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right… But I'll stick with my Moped!' Just then the light changes, and the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Porsche up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Porsche, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the sportscar all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Porsche is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Porsche, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor…. Is there anything I can do for you?' The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I have lots of unemployment jokes…
but none of them work.
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
![AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I SURE HOPE SOMEONE GETS THIS SUPER COMPLEX JOKE HAHAHAH I’M FUCKING DEAD 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 [x-post /r/mathmemes]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/oa1acis08ht11-400x331.jpg)
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
A man goes into his bosses office
Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning? Boss: Absolutely not. Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.
A Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
You shuold be be able to edit titles
Edit: should
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something