Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
A blonde joke
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO….." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE…."
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?
Nothing, they were stuck up cunts
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
My to doo list
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
I denounce that barbers religion
It's hairesy
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
I switched out my bed for a trampoline
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones ,while the people of Abu Dhabi do.
It’s pointless to get into an argument about the Adam and Eve creation story versus evolution.
It is comparing apples to origins.
My wife laughed when I said I had the body of a 20 year old
Then she looked in the freezer
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
My penis was once on the Guinness book of world records
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.
“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.” “Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.” “Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.” “But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.” “Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.” “But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.” “Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-” “But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.” The priest falls silent. “And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…” The priest still did not answer. “And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…” The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry. “Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!” “Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since he’s seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how that’s possible after what he’s just seen. “Oh that,” the man says. “Well, tonight’s my night to be the Designated Decoy.”
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
A guy starts at a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."