Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife." "Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied." The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "Son. You’d better hurry home to your Wife…Because my wife died five years ago."
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."
Because property is theft
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
It was a Stark realization.
Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.
One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?" The other lady looked at her for a long time, and asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
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Because theyre not self-centered.
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
A) No B) A little C) Señor
He didn't even finish his sentence
Could this be a red flag?
Throw them in the Main stream.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit. The display has a sign in front saying, “2982 BC.”
One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?” His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”
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Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0. The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
cos 0 = 1
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close….