Good!!
A guy asked a girl in a university library…
…"Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?
She worked knights.
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
Went to a sperm clinic earlier. That lady asked if i would like to masturbate in a cup?
I said, “I’m good but im not ready to compete in a tournament yet.
A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.
The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer. Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!” The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.” So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “Wow! That tastes just like Coke!” “Yup, and now turn it around.” The customer turned the apple with his fingers and took a bite out of the other side. His eyes closed and squinted and after he swallowed he said “ Oof, man that tastes just like Jack, and it sure is strong too!” He took his apple with him to a seat further down the bar. A few minutes later another man walks in and asks for a cranberry vodka and Sprite. Once again the bartender reached behind the counter and gave his patron an apple, bright white and shiny, and the patron said “Hey, what gives? I asked you for a drink, not an apple!” The bartender said “Go a head and take a bite” So the customer took a bite and and his eyebrows shifted curiously “Huh, that tastes a lot like Sprite.” “Mmhm. Now turn it around” The patron did so, and took another bite, and when he did, he was blown away, leaning backwards and staring in amazement at the apple. “That tastes just like cranberry vodka! And it sure is boozy!” A few apples later, a third man walks into the bar. Before he can order, however, the previous two patrons exclaimed to him. “Dude, this place is amazing, the bartender can give you an apple that tastes like whatever you ask for!” Said the first man. The second chimed in “Yeah man, it’s incredible!” He held up his apple “I’m on my fifth cranberry vodka and Sprite!” The new man thinks about his order and says “Anything at all huh? Mr. bartender, I want an apple that tastes like pussy!” So the barkeep reached behind the counter and pulled out a big, pink apple that was almost shaped like a heart. The new customer enthusiastically took a big bite of the apple and after a few chews he violently shook his head in disgust, and spat the piece of apple on the the ground halfway across the bar. “EEEEUGh! That was absolutely disgusting, barkeep, that apple, it… it tasted… it tasted like ABSOLUTE ASS!” That’s when everyone in the bar shouted “TURN IT AROUND!”
“Dad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?”
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt…
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
What cereal is addicted to working out?
Shredded wheat.
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
