Good job bud
A man walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble. The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?" The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it. Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye." The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet. The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye. Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up. "Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got… $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it's fair if you give me two chances at it." The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet. The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top. The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end. Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, "Go!" giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar. Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it's way into the shot glass. Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made. All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs. The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is." To which the man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
Roses are black, violets are black
I suck at gardening
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I can’t do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line I’m all set
How do you tell a joke is a dad joke
It’s apparent
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away…
…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
Two guys go moose hunting…..
A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
How south is South Africa?
South AF
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
Hello everyone 23 (F) here.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association
Broken pencils are pointless
No text found
Due to Political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name
He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
Secret security
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore.. They should yell "Donald, duck!"
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
My mom turned 45 last week. So during an argument, I would tell her
"Well, you're half right."
My dad sent this to me this morning. He sends shit like this all the time unironically
https://ift.tt/2Xk88k7
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
After Adam stayed out for a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”