good message
Never start a pillow fight with Death…
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich." Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
I’m a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me… Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once. So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind. Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain. "That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards. "Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
Google is so dangerous! I searched how to become and arsonist…..
And immediately received 50,000 matches!!
“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
My 4 year old asked me what you call flying food
I literally had no idea where this was going but he goes really daddy a jelly-copter
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
What follows two eyes?
Captain.
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.
"911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
Why did the ‘A’ go to the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
It had a vowel movement.
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmation.
It was the least I could do for him.
Why don’t hamburger buns ever get along?
There's always beef between them.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia
But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
What do you call a state when it gets married?
Missus-sippi. (buh-dum, tss)
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
My piano teacher is the last person you would expect to show this to her students
https://ift.tt/3cmud6T
I hate trying to please miners.
They're so picky!
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
