Good ol’ magenta…just like grandma used to make it up
My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.
He said, “It must be drawn to scale.”
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
Why do dice prefer to be in groups of two?
Because then it's a pair-a-dice
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Dad: We need to go out
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
I just got back from the doctor, who told me I’m infertile.
I'm not kidding.
What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?
A condescending con descending.
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but it’s just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
Dictionary to Thesaurus: When are you ever better than me?
Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.
I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Have you heard of that new band 1023MB?
They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
What do we want…? Low altitude flyovers!
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
The Pope walks into a Mosque.
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.
I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No, seriously, it is.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing… They fast!
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
