Good one, officer
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y
An Irishman’s first drink with his son
I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!
Why does the Keyboard work 24 hours…
Because, it has two shifts.
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
I poured my root beer into a square glass
..it became beer.
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
As much as you might move around an envelope
It'll always be stationery.
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?
Because camping is in tents.
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
My wife is mad at the fact that I don’t have a sense of direction…
So I packed my stuff and right.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
College Tour Dad Joke
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,…
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
This is big brain time…
When the smart kid corrects the teacher about plasma Me:Laughs in Bose Einstein condensate! I don’t even go to school anymore I graduated, why am a making school memes at 3 AM…
This morning, my wife dragged me around the store looking at futons…
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…
I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early
The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
What’s the most important rule when making porno music?
Never use A-minor.
orion’s belt is a waist of space…
terrible joke, only three stars
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip….
On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital. Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery. After many hours of waiting, the surgeon finally comes to speak with him. “Mr. Smith, I’ve got some bad news for you. Your wife has been paralyzed from the neck down. She will be unable to perform even the most basic functions as a human being. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her clothes, clean up her stool, and take her to many, many appointments for the rest of her life. This will be a true test of your love for this woman.” Upon hearing this news, Mr. Smith breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Just then, the surgeon smiles and pats him on the back. “Relax Mr. Smith. I was just fucking with ya….she’s dead.”