Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
Cop on Horse
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
Apparently someone in my town has been stealing the wheels off police cars
They’ve been working tirelessly to find him
I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit
My wife said it was a huge waist
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
Why was Ben 10 considered so powerful?
Because the previous kid was Ben Nine in comparison.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
How do you seduce a farm girl?
A tractor.
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow
its pasture bed time
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.