Good times
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
I wasn’t sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting…
so I just came in my pants.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Atheists when they can’t prove something through science.
Atheists when they can’t prove something through science.
I’m so afraid of negative numbers…
I stop at nothing to avoid them!
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box
We don’t know who it belongs to, but we’re looking into it.
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
I have a stepladder…
It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
Bouncer?
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "Why?" "I don't know who you are and this is my trampoline."
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests today…
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
When is a dad joke mature?
When it's full groan.
9/11 Jokes aren’t funny.
But the other 2 are.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
I got a job working in a hayfield…
After one day, I bailed…
Why do birds fly in a V-shape?
because it takes too long to walk in a V-shape
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
Three logicians enter a bar
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
I’ve been seeing these all over my Pinterest. They’re cards on sale for about 14$.
https://ift.tt/2QZpNKM
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym
Because no one can spot him