Gooder Title
I tripped over my wife’s bra….
…It seemed to be a booby trap.
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in
I slipped on a bag of vegetables.
I rest in peas.
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
At work, I’m known as “Mr. Compromise.”
That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br.
My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”
I’m so pissed off I didn’t think of that quote first.
What did 1 eye say to the other
Between you and me something smells.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
Our friend Chuck hasn’t contacted us for months, so we renamed him Huck.
Because long time no C.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
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So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed
Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say… So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the pub. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged. She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..One’s a Corona virus and the other’s a Verona crisis.
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
A woman get cheated by on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”. The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: “Is the cookie delicious?” “Yes”- she answer. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please”. The monk looked her in the eyes and said “Do you see the problem now?” The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks, “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that”. The monk shake his head “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
Why dont chickens insult each other?
They dont like getting roasted
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,… "United Airlines".
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
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