Google finally being honest about one of its product lines
My daughter, 8, asked me what happens to frogs who illegally park their cars.
"I don't know," I said. With a gleam in her eye, she squealed "They get toad!!" Dad win there.
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
The abundance mating signals girls give off if they like you.
https://youtu.be/yFY_uOb7bRk
Embarrassing Situation
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
What video game system does Homer Simpson play?
Ninten-doh!
How do you find a velociraptor?
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
Why is it called the Dark Age?
Because of all the Knights.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?
It had a bison.
– A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing??”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this bollocks?
Whenever I’m asked “What happened in 1492?”, people are always surprised by my answer.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
No wonder Finland won so many Formula 1 races…
They owned the Finnish line.
I recently took a pole
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
Donald Trump meets the Queen…
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
Simon says
that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labor! What should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die
"Usually an overdose", I said
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel. As the compartment is plunged into complete darkness for the Nth time a ringing slap is heard. The train passes back into daylight and the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'
What do you mean June is over?
Julying…
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him