Google finally being honest about one of its product lines
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
“How long do you think that fence is?”
“I’m going to guess—-around a yard.”
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut
I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside
In the Israeli government who has the most power?
The Jewdiciary branch
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?
632 Hallmark movies.
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
I had a pun about insanity
but then I lost it.
Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
How do cells multiply?
By dividing.
My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering such questions.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!
He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!" Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?" "It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Silicon Valley.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
I can make the boss give me the day off.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs.
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
My dad is coolerblind.
you red that wrong
A truckload of Vick’s vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
